Issue 8 – Letter from the Editor
Totts Magazine Editor, Amy with sons, Zachary and Caleb
It’s the universal dilemma for career women who become moms: to work or not to work…that is the question. It’s a predicament that’s become more prevalent in recent years as women set out to conquer the working world, sometimes waiting until they’re well into their 30s before starting a family. Modern women want to be successful both in the workplace and at home, but juggling both gracefully is so much more work than we ever think it’s going to be.
Since becoming a mom six years ago, I have struggled to find my proper place. I’ve worked full-time, worked part-time and worked from home. There have been days that I’ve silently cursed the women who came before us that fought so hard for us to have equal rights. Equal, indeed. We now have the right to work outside the home – to be the breadwinners, to compete with those without families who are willing to put in the long hours, to leave our babies in someone else’s care for nine hours a day.
Then, there have been days when I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough, ready to escape to a world where none of the conversations will contain the words “pee-pee” or “poo-poo,” and lunch won’t involve cutting someone else’s food. Because yes, we have the right to earn more money than our husbands, sit in the corner office, and abandon the sweat pants in exchange for a fancy title and stilettos.
Is the right to work a blessing or a curse, a privilege or an obligation? I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that what works for one mom might not work for another. I have a teacher friend who takes her children to daycare three days a week while she’s home on summer vacation because she feels like she’s a better mom if she has some time away from the kids. Another friend of mine put her career and her salary on hold in order to stay home with her kids full-time. Her husband mows lawns on his days off in order to pay their daughter’s pre-school tuition, but for them, having mom at home is more important than having extra money for a new car or dinners out.
I love and respect both of these women, and I understand that what makes one feel like a good mom probably wouldn’t work for the other. One of the things I find most disturbing is the way moms judge one another for the choices they make when it comes to work. There have been too many times that I’ve seen a stay-at-home mom look sympathetically at a working mom, assuming that because she works, she is miserable and does so only because of a fiscal need to. And then there are the working moms who turn down their noses at the stay-at-home moms, wondering how hard it could possibly be to spend a “relaxing” day at home with the kids.
I’ve done both, so I’ve experienced both reactions, and I find them equally annoying. In a perfect world, we would respect our fellow mommies regardless of whether they spend their days at home or in an office, and do what we can to offer support when it’s needed. The way I see it, whatever job we do usually ends up feeling pretty thankless. Our kids aren’t going to thank us for staying home – at least not until they’re old enough to appreciate it, and our co-workers aren’t going to thank us for trusting someone else with our most precious thing in life so we can come to work every day.
It was out of this conflict between working moms and stay-at-home moms that the idea for our series, “The Many Worlds of Mommies,” was born. When one of our writers suggested the idea, I knew it was something that anyone who has ever given birth could relate to. This issue features the part two of a three-part series, and gives a first-person perspective of what it means to be a stay-at-home mom. My hope is that, however you choose to spend your day, you are able to find joy, satisfaction and fulfillment in your job.
Issue 7 – Letter from the Publisher
- Totts Magazine Publisher, Nicole, with daughter, Madison
I can hardly believe that we have been on this adventure for a year now. Nothing could have set the stage for a more eventful celebration of this milestone than the birth of our second daughter.
As I struggle with my own recovery, some health hiccups for our little one, and all of the many obstacles of a newborn’s arrival – from breastfeeding and lack of sleep, to establishing routines – and the unpredictability of sibling emotions, it has become even more apparent why I began this magazine.
Motherhood is no doubt the most difficult task a woman can ever undertake. A newborn has the natural ability to very quickly remind you of how delicate children are and the enormous amount of love and responsibility that it takes to rear them. It is also an instantaneous dose of reality and personally-served piece of humble pie when it is painfully clear that there is no right answer or path to parenting and caring for your children. It is a give and take, fail and learn dance that begins the day you conceive and ends the day you are no longer here to physically kiss away their hurts and cheer on their accomplishments.
I hope that over the last year, our publication has helped you find the confidence you need to be the best mom you can be, whether it was through the advice of another mom or the opinion of an expert. I believe that every child and family are different, and there is no concrete answer on how to potty train, breastfeed, or care for an ill child. We can only come together as a community and share our experiences, failures and victories so that other moms can learn and create solutions of their own that will work for them. It is this very sense of collaboration, support and knowledge that can create the life for our children that we all strive to attain.
Whether this is the first issue you have ever read, or the seventh, I hope that you have been touched by these people in our community who have openly shared with us and, ultimately, with you. I encourage you to share these stories with other moms and embrace our open door policy to share your stories with us.
Thank you for a wonderful year. May the warm summer days bring lots of laughter and joy to you and your families.
I hope you’ll stay & play~
Nicole Baker
Publisher
Issue 6 – Letter from the Publisher
Publisher, Nicole Baker and daughter, Madison
Spring is my favorite time of year. No matter how many trials and tribulations the last year represented or what a demanding jump start the New Year brought, there is something about the first white bloom of the Valley’s pear trees that seems to rejuvenate my soul and spirit. It’s a time of birth and new beginnings and this year I am counting on that energy to bring a new and better life to all of us.
I have been saddened to see the despair and struggles that families and friends have had to face this past year, myself not so far removed. But never more has the old saying “things happen for a reason” ever rung more true. For the first time in a long time we have been forced to sit down in the silence of ourselves and get back to the roots and core values on which we once based our futures. Dinner now represents a gathering every night, rather than an individual scavenger hunt. Chores and responsibilities are being owned by the entire family; and while at first there was resistance, how much closer have you become in the process? It’s amazing how such tragedy can bring new perspective to our lives and ultimately create amazing outcomes.
Spring for us this year represents a new birth and a new path in our own family’s journey. Our home is abuzz and a bit of a whirlwind as I “nest,” or more accurately, tear apart every closet and nook, waiting and preparing for my second daughter’s arrival. We are filled with anxious anticipation of what is to come – how she will forever reshape our lives and how we will help mold hers.
A new friendship is about to blossom, a sisterly bond that I pray will carry my girls through whatever comes their way. While it will no doubt be difficult for Madison to adjust to having a new sibling, I know that once the dust settles, she will have a best friend for life: someone to laugh with, to fight with and to love as her other half.
This Mother’s Day I find myself in a very different place than I was three years ago. At the time I was a brand new Mommy, wondering if I was making the best decisions and doing the right things for my child. I was unsure of where to turn for help and guidance and hindered by my own pride, in fear of failure and judgment. Now with the help of great people, like Amy Fienen, our editor-in-chief, our writers, photographers, and partners, we have created a place for women to turn to for the information and confidence they need to attack head on, the most important, demanding and yet fulfilling job they will ever employ… Motherhood.
I want to thank you all personally for joining our Totts family. Please take a little time this Mother’s Day to honor yourself, your own mother, and the many women around you who influence you and your family’s lives.
Best wishes and Happy Mother’s Day!
Nicole Baker
Publisher
Letter from the Editor – Issue 5
Totts Magazine Editor, Amy with sons, Zachary and Caleb
My husband swept me off me feet during the first Valentine’s Day we shared 11 years ago, and during the first few years of our marriage, he always made an effort to plan something special, knowing that it was important to me. But after we became parents, I noticed that Valentine’s Day no longer seemed as important. I remember that my first year as a mom, we didn’t do anything on Feb. 14 because of our conflicting work schedules. I was mildly disappointed, but thought that since we were now parents, our marriage would likely take a backseat to our kids from that point on.
Thank God I came to my senses and realized that one of the most important things I could do for my children was to love their father and commit myself wholeheartedly to our marriage.
Once we become parents, our priorities are naturally going to shift. But I think that too often, the needs and desires of our children become all-encompassing, and our spouse is inadvertently shoved to the bottom of the to-do list. As mothers, we tend to play the martyr, convincing ourselves that we can’t afford a babysitter, shouldn’t leave the kids for an evening because we don’t see them enough, or that “date night” is only for newlyweds.
I firmly believe that one of the best gifts we can give our children is a mommy and daddy who enjoy one another’s company. Admittedly, I tend to fall short in the romance department, but luckily, my husband makes sure that every so often, we have an evening to ourselves. If the kids start whining about wanting to go, we explain that it’s important for parents to take time for themselves so that they can remember why they wanted to have children together in the first place. And there is a lot to be said for a meal during which you are not required to cut anyone’s food.
Since becoming a mom, I no longer look forward to Valentine’s Day with the anticipation I once did. Elaborate gifts and over-priced dinners in crowded restaurants don’t hold the same appeal. It’s not because I think we don’t need a romantic evening out, but it’s just as easy to do it on a night when dinners don’t cost twice as much and babysitters are impossible to come by.
Regardless of whether you have big plans or no plans for Feb. 14, make time amidst the day-to-day chaos of life as a parent to show your spouse that he or she is the most important person in your world. Someday, your children will thank you for it.
Amy D. Fienen
Totts Editor-in-Chief
Letter from the Publisher- Issue 4
Totts Magazine Publisher, Nicole, with daughter, Madison
I cannot believe how quickly another year has flown by. Our little Totts adventure has been an amazing roller coaster ride that has run the gamut of emotion. We have been left feeling elated, baffled, and torn in two over the last 12 months, but what a rewarding exploit it has been.
This holiday season, my husband and I are especially excited, as we will no longer be able to hide my growing waistline, and will finally be able to tell our 2-year-old daughter that she is going to be getting a new brother or sister in the spring of next year.
As with any pregnancy, we are filled with excitement, wonder, and fear. I am so anxious for my daughter to learn and share from the experiences of having a sibling. While I know there will be hurdles to overcome, as is always the case when a family expands, there is no doubt in my mind that the joys of this experience will far outweigh the struggles.
Sometimes I catch myself stroking Madison’s hair or cuddling with her, wondering how I can possibly love another human being this much again. It seems unimaginable, but that is when those amazing instincts that only a mother can possess kick in. When we become mommies, we become warriors of the impossible: no lack of sleep is too exhausting, no diaper is too smelly, and no tantrum too loud. Whatever we may encounter, the love that we feel for our children is what gets us out of bed each morning, ready to take on another day.
It has been a truly humbling experience to meet the women and families we have featured in our magazine this year. Each is beautiful and amazing in her own unique way. They have inspired me to try new things, open new doors, and learn to love myself a little more, too.
I hope you have enjoyed becoming a part of the Totts family. We would love to hear from each and every one of you.
From our family to yours, have a wonderful holiday season, and may all your dreams and wishes come true in 2010.
Happy Holidays~
Nicole Baker – Publisher
Letter from the Editor- Issue 3
Totts Magazine Editor, Amy with sons, Zachary and Caleb
When Zachary, my oldest son, was born five years ago, I had a lot of late nights and early mornings that left me feeling like he was going to be a needy, helpless baby forever. The seemingly endless hours of breastfeeding, diapers that leaked onto my clothes, and the belief that I would reek of spit-up for the rest of my life often left me wondering what I had gotten myself into. It felt as though in becoming a mother, I had lost part of myself.
Fast forward five years, when not a day goes by that I don’t find myself looking at Zachary and wondering how my tiny baby grew into a big boy so fast. I never cease to be amazed at the little person he has become, yet terrified at my inability to slow the clock and keep him close to me for a little bit longer. His first day of kindergarten is looming just around the corner – a day that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach when I think about it. I am grateful that Caleb, my 2-year-old, will still be home to keep me company during the days that Zachary is gone. Strangely enough, I no longer know what to do with myself when I do have time alone.
Zachary enjoyed preschool and is so excited about starting kindergarten that I am confident the transition will be a positive one for him. I am far more worried about myself. I am completely unprepared to send him off to what feels to me like his first foray into the real world – a world that can be so cruel, and filled with things from which I won’t be there to protect him. I will miss his smiling face sitting across the table from me at lunchtime, and fear that my mornings will be too quiet without his constant demands that we find something fun to do.
As I reflect back on those early days of motherhood, I remember the times I looked forward to the day when Zachary would start school. I would have some time to myself again, and maybe start to reclaim the woman I felt like I had lost when I became a mom. Now, I realize that the days of having him all to myself are already over, and they passed too quickly. And while I may have more time to try to salvage what is left of my old self, I can finally appreciate that I really don’t want to. Becoming a mom made me a better person. I am less selfish and self-centered, more willing to put the needs of others before my own, and understand what it means to love unconditionally. The parts of myself I lost were the ones that were all about me, and what my children have allowed me to become is about so much more.
For all you mommies out there who rush through each day hoping the next one will be easier, slow down and enjoy the scenery. Trust me when I tell you that it changes all too fast.
Amy D. Fienen
Totts Editor-in-Chief
Letter from the Publisher – Issue 2
Totts Magazine Publisher, Nicole, with daughter, Madison
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day.
This year, I received the most amazing gift. My girlfriend and mommy-confidant dropped a box on my back door step late Mother’s Day afternoon. When I opened it, there was a nomination letter in it for Mother of the Year that she had written and submitted about me. I could not believe it. Listening to someone else’s perception of my mothering skills was the most humbling, flattering and comforting experience I have ever known. I am by no means a perfect Mom, as some of you may know or have witnessed in Target as my 2-year-old has a full-blown meltdown, but to hear that another mom, who I know puts every effort into motherhood, thinks that I am doing a good job, was truly life altering. I am not an overly emotional person, but I sobbed for more than an hour. Parenting is the most difficult yet most amazing thing I have ever done with my life, and to hear that I am actually succeeding in someone else’s eyes allowed me to let go of many of my insecurities and take pride and joy in this incredible journey. It also made me realize what a wonderful job my own mother had done for me. I know exactly where I got the skills and gut instincts that have allowed me to survive the unknown struggles of motherhood thus far.
So…I have a challenge for you. Take a look at the mothers in your own life. Is there someone that you admire for their patience, unwavering confidence, warmth, or just that amazing ability to heal the biggest ouchie with one gentle kiss? Then let them know. Take just five minutes to sit down and write them a little note to tell them what you think of them as a mother.
I promise that this small little gesture will amount to so much more than you can ever imagine.
Cheers to all of you mothers!
Thank you for joining the Totts Family.
I hope you will stay & play~
Nicole Baker
Letter from the Editor
While watching an interview with Jenny McCarthy one morning, she made reference to a term that left a permanent impression in my mind and soul: the “mommy instinct.”
It’s that gut wrenching, overly obsessive burning in the pit of our stomachs that tells us something is going on and we need to pay attention. We’ve all felt it. The tricky thing about this “mommy instinct” is that we all too often lack the confidence to believe in it and ourselves.
Totts Magazine Publisher, Nicole with daughter, Madison
I believe that the mothers of today are so very different than the mothers who raised us. We have so many different obligations, activities, appointments, goals; we hardly have time to keep track of it all. In the hustle and bustle, we have lost one of the things that our mother’s had right, and that is a support group. I once overheard an older gentlemen say that parents and families today are so different. When he was younger, you were raised by your neighborhood, not just your family.
So that is how the mission of Totts was born. Our goal is to create a community for today’s mothers to get the support they need while providing them the knowledge, tools, and confidence to follow their “mommy instinct.” The information that we will provide for you in our bi-monthly issues will come from local sources – people that you can reach out and touch should you have the need. Whether you are looking for information on childhood health issues, what to cook for dinner tonight, or inspiring stories about other Central Valley moms, Totts Magazine wants to be the resource you turn to.
I invite you to join the Totts family. We are hear to grow, learn, cry, and evolve into the great moms we all strive to be.
I also invite you to get involved by blogging and participating in our publication and website, whether it is suggestions on what you want us to bring you, entering to win great giveaways, or sharing your stories. We look forward to hearing from you.
I hope you will join us and stay to play.
Welcome!
~Nicole Baker, Publisher
